Im at strip club and am horny
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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