Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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