ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
you had me at cake vodka
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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