TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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