If that was your dad, he is hot
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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