Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
