So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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