Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize