i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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