Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
