it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
