I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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