remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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