There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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