apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
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