What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
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