Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
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She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
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I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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