Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
