I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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