somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
