He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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