i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize