I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
