I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
