Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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