Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Randomize
