Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
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I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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