you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
