you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
