a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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