shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
