My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
