I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
