I wish I could teleport
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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