I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
