I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
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You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
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I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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