I'm jealous of your bromance
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
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