I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
