Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
