i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
