i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
