We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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