So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
