we made out on top of his cat.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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