I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
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I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
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Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
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