I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
