he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
