Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
