life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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