she sounds like chewbacca in bed
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
