don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
