Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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