I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
