my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
