i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
