he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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