I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
