SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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