Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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