This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
